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History : 1983 : Bonus Page!

In March 1983, Andy and Bid were invited by Soundmaker magazine (UK) to be guest reviewers on their singles page. The resulting farrago is reprinted here in full.

SINGLES

THIS WEEKS SINGLES REVIEWED BY BID AND ANDY WARREN OF THE MONOCHROME SET

HIT!
The Go Betweens : "Cattle And Cane" (Rough Trade)
B: Pleasant easy song.
A: But slightly aimless.
B: Classic Australian nostalgia.
A: Didgeridoo, bit low in the mix for my liking.

HIT!
Ben Watt : "Some Things Don't Matter" (Cherry Red)
B: Best in his class
A: Yes, but there are no other contenders.
B: This is good, but he hasn't written an absolute classic yet.
A: No, but his turn will come- I'm sure it will! Know it will!

HIT!
The Nightingales : "Urban Ospreys" (Cherry Red)
B: Single of the week, disco smasher.
A: Fantastic cover.
B: This is the one we've been waiting for, if this isn't No.1 I'll eat my copy of "Pigs On Purpose".
A: More stable mates of ours!

THE REST

The English Country Blues Band : "Don't Take Love" (Rogue)
A: Human.
B: Rural.
A: Rustic.
B: But dull.
A: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.

The Howdy Boys : "Sunday" (Despatch)
A: Awful cover.
B: Really boring.
A: At either speed.

Ministry : "Work For Love" (Arista)
B: Won't be any good, will it?
A: Token wanker on back cover.

Animal Nightlife : "The Mighty Hands Of Love" (Innervision)
B: Party, part, etc. (yawn)
A: Desperation in every groove. Naff off!
B: May your left ear wither and fall into your right pocket.

Aneka : "Heart To Beat" (Ariola)
Sharon Redd : "Takin' A Chance On Love" (Prelude)
A: Just what you'd expect from these sisters.
B: May you dig up your father by moonlight and make soup of his bones.

Disorder : "Mental Disorder" (Disorder)
A: Life is too short to learn German.

Seething Wells/Little Brother : "The Rising Son Of Ranting Verse" (Radical Wallpaper)
B: Tommy Toilet humour.
A: Now I know why they call him little brother.
B: May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hill that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.

Fastaway : "Easy Livin'" (CBS)
B: Really awful.
A: No wonder Pete Way left.
B: Jerry Shirley's here though, ex-Humble Pie.
A: We are sold for the price of a sheepskin.
B: Somewhat injurous.

Urban Dogs : "Limo Life" (Fall Out)
B: Not up to the standard of The Marauders.
A: A blatant bassarid of Boston, a rampant maenad of Massachusetts.

Sugar Minott : "How Could I Get Away" (CSA)
B: I'm not listening to ths crap.
A: Appalling. Extra big green gob here.

The Three Johns : "Pink Headed Bug" (CNT)
B: A freakish homocumulus germinated outside lawful procreation.
A: I took it to the fourth John and flushed it away.
B: I say "Burn!" to this.

Black Flag : "Jealous Again" (SST)
A: To quote Trollope: "I hardly know any annoyance so deeply repugnant as the incessant remorseless spitting of Americans."
B: A miss, dismal.

Elkie Brooks : "I just Can't Go On" (A&M)
A: Crap!
B: May you be cursed with a chronic anxiety about the weather.

Colin Blunstone : "Touch" (PRT)
A: Press statement: "As you've never heard him before."
B: Stick to The Zombies, Colin.

The Choir : "To The City Tomorrow" (A&M)
A: Eat Shit! Cassocks!
B: O hideous little bat, the size of snot.

The Teardrop Explodes : "You Disappear From View" (Mercury)
A: The sound of sitting on blancmange.
B: Fucking boring press insert.
A: May you melt off the earth like snow off a ditch.

Alton Edwards : "Take Me" (CBS)
A: Who is Alton Edwards anyway?
B: Shit!

Laurel and Hardy : "Clunk Click" (CBS)
A: Pathetic cash in on the seat belt law.
B: Belt up lads.
A: Miserable. Just split.

Divine : "Shoot Your Shot" (O)
A: Worth buying for the free postcard.

Bobby O : "She Has The Way" (Rough Trade)<
A: Very New York clubland.
B: Not up to the standard of normal Rough Trade releases.
A: The most affected of sensualists and the most pretentious of profligates.

Dave Edmunds : "Slipping Away" (Arista)
B: Written and produced by Jeff Lynne. So what!
A: A good production but it doesn't hide the poor quality of the song.
B: A lewd vegetarian.