Ben Watt : "Some Things Don't Matter" (Cherry Red)
B: Best in his class
A: Yes, but there are no other contenders.
B: This is good, but he hasn't written an absolute classic yet.
A: No, but his turn will come- I'm sure it will! Know it will!
The Nightingales : "Urban Ospreys" (Cherry Red)
B: Single of the week, disco smasher.
A: Fantastic cover.
B: This is the one we've been waiting for, if this isn't No.1 I'll
eat my copy of "Pigs On Purpose".
A: More stable mates of ours!
The English Country Blues Band : "Don't Take Love" (Rogue)
B: But dull.
A: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
The Howdy Boys : "Sunday" (Despatch)
A: Awful cover.
B: Really boring.
A: At either speed.
Ministry : "Work For Love" (Arista)
B: Won't be any good, will it?
A: Token wanker on back cover.
Animal Nightlife : "The Mighty Hands Of Love" (Innervision)
B: Party, part, etc. (yawn)
A: Desperation in every groove. Naff off!
B: May your left ear wither and fall into your right pocket.
Aneka : "Heart To Beat" (Ariola)
Sharon Redd : "Takin' A Chance On Love" (Prelude)
A: Just what you'd expect from these sisters.
B: May you dig up your father by moonlight and make soup of his bones.
Disorder : "Mental Disorder" (Disorder)
A: Life is too short to learn German.
Seething Wells/Little Brother : "The Rising Son Of Ranting Verse" (Radical Wallpaper)
B: Tommy Toilet humour.
A: Now I know why they call him little brother.
B: May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children
chase you so far over the hill that the Lord himself can't find you
with a telescope.
Fastaway : "Easy Livin'" (CBS)
B: Really awful.
A: No wonder Pete Way left.
B: Jerry Shirley's here though, ex-Humble Pie.
A: We are sold for the price of a sheepskin.
B: Somewhat injurous.
Urban Dogs : "Limo Life" (Fall Out)
B: Not up to the standard of The Marauders.
A: A blatant bassarid of Boston, a rampant maenad of Massachusetts.
Sugar Minott : "How Could I Get Away" (CSA)
B: I'm not listening to ths crap.
A: Appalling. Extra big green gob here.
The Three Johns : "Pink Headed Bug" (CNT)
B: A freakish homocumulus germinated
outside lawful procreation.
A: I took it to the fourth John and flushed it away.
B: I say "Burn!" to this.
Black Flag : "Jealous Again" (SST)
A: To quote Trollope: "I hardly know any annoyance so deeply
repugnant as the incessant remorseless spitting of Americans."
B: A miss, dismal.
Elkie Brooks : "I just Can't Go On" (A&M)
B: May you be cursed with a chronic anxiety about the weather.
Colin Blunstone : "Touch" (PRT)
A: Press statement: "As you've never heard him before."
B: Stick to The Zombies, Colin.
The Choir : "To The City Tomorrow" (A&M)
A: Eat Shit! Cassocks!
B: O hideous little bat, the size of snot.
The Teardrop Explodes : "You Disappear From View" (Mercury)
A: The sound of sitting on blancmange.
B: Fucking boring press insert.
A: May you melt off the earth like snow off a ditch.
Alton Edwards : "Take Me" (CBS)
A: Who is Alton Edwards anyway?
Laurel and Hardy : "Clunk Click" (CBS)
A: Pathetic cash in on the seat belt law.
B: Belt up lads.
A: Miserable. Just split.
Divine : "Shoot Your Shot" (O)
A: Worth buying for the free postcard.
Bobby O : "She Has The Way" (Rough Trade)<
A: Very New York clubland.
B: Not up to the standard of normal Rough Trade releases.
A: The most affected of sensualists and the most pretentious of profligates.
Dave Edmunds : "Slipping Away" (Arista)
B: Written and produced by Jeff Lynne. So what!
A: A good production but it doesn't hide the poor quality of the song.
B: A lewd vegetarian.